Superficial Praise.
Narcissistic mothers love displaying their daughter’s qualities in order to be admired by others. Even though they may criticize them at home, they enjoy seeing other people’s approval of their talents, appearance, or accomplishments. In the example previously discussed, the narcissistic mother discouraged their daughter from drama club, yet if their daughter actually did get the leading role in a play, well that of course is totally different.
Let’s say she gets the leading role as Juliet from “Romeo and Juliet” Now her mother is suddenly excited. Not necessarily for her daughter and how excited she must be to have gotten a lead role after all the hard work she put in. No, the narcissistic mother is actually more excited because now she can post on social media how wonderful and talented her daughter is.
In fact, so talented she was able to grab the lead role from 20 other girls who tried out for the same part. Now, remember initially she discouraged drama club but now that she realizes her daughter is really talented, and it’s something that will make mom look good, well that’s a different story. This is superficial praising.
If her daughter later had a bad read and gets a smaller role in the next play, she’ll then chastise her and blame her telling her she could have done much better. A normal understanding mother may say “I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t get the part. Unfortunately, we can’t win them all, but I thought you still did a really good job with your character, you really made it come to life.”
The normal response exercises empathy and sets expectations by letting her know it’s okay not to get the leading role, and she still praises her for a job well done. The narcissistic mother instead may become angry and blame her for not trying hard enough because now she has nothing to brag about.
You see her daughter’s accomplishments are more about her than her daughter’s; she will only be praised when it makes her look good to other people. When the daughter succeeded it never really was about a job well done. It’s about praising the narcissistic mother’s good job and raising her.
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