Did you know that although close to 90% of marriages in India are arranged, the overall divorce rate is at 1%? Incompatibility in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship won’t work, It just means that it’s not going to be as easy as you’d want it to be. It might mean that the relationship won’t work eventually.
We’ve listed 12 things that can make all the difference in your relationship long-term. And while we don’t want you looking for the easy way out, we need you to notice when the outcome of your relationship is beyond your control.
Number 12: You don’t share a sense of humor.
A relationship without light moments shows that you struggle to have normal and comfortable discussions. It’s not about being a great comedian, it’s about finding what’s funny every day and enjoying it together. It can be a sitcom, an inside joke, or repeating funny things your friends said. It’s important to share each other’s sense of humor.
Keep in mind that an aggressive sense of humor where you’re the joke is unacceptable. Playfulness and laughter affirm your relationship. Research shows that couples that enjoyed each other’s company tend to be more aligned and compatible than the ones who didn’t.
Number 11: Way too much arguing or no arguing at all.
There is no healthy relationship without an argument. Arguments have a way of making partners learn more about each other. If you or your partner are avoiding arguments altogether, then you’re denying your relationship that light-bulb moment when you finally get to know each other’s actual point of view.
The disagreements help you see your shortcomings and notice what’s more important to you and your partner. Sometimes the arguments get defensive or tipped with criticism or contempt which is unacceptable. Other times, you avoid arguments altogether which is equally unhealthy.
Number 10: You struggle to communicate.
In a relationship, you’ll need to figure out each other’s communication styles. While this is developed patiently, there will always be a gap between what you say and what your partner hears. How do you share your problems and preferences with your partner?
Because of the various experiences that shape our beliefs and expectations, we all hear and interpret things differently. This is a barrier that’s unconscious and is not your partner’s fault nor is it yours. If there is a lack of willingness to recognize this gap, then that’s a toxic relationship.
The problem is not that you or your partner have been through extreme situations, it’s how much of you or your partner is still stuck in those situations. Things that were modeled in you from birth will affect how you hear. If you encounter these walls now and then, your relationship will be a struggle. This is huge, you don’t want to ignore it.
Number 9: When your mentors or close family members don’t support your decision.
These are people who genuinely love you or professionals like your counselor. People within your circle who have passed the test of time and proven to only want the best for you. If such people in your company are not okay with the relationship, they might be seeing something you don’t.
It’s also very unusual to have everyone agree with you. One of the effortless tactics of a narcissist is to win over those close to you. But if the two or three people you trust with your life raise an alarm, you shouldn’t take it lightly.
Number 8: When your gut tells you that he’s not the man or the woman for you.
Do you find that you struggle with yourself trying to figure out what’s wrong with your relationship? Most of the time there is no logical explanation for the uncomfortable feeling. If you feel some way about your partner, take a step back to find out why.
You can skip your counseling sessions or not visit your parents if they insist your relationship is faulty. But you can’t hide that feeling. Pay attention to yourself and ask your mentors what they think too.
Number 7: They don’t agree with your core values or beliefs.
Similar core beliefs are important for you to feel safe, protected, and connected. The biggest deal-breaker is differing spiritual or religious beliefs. Do you plan to have a family and raise children together? This is an important conversation to have prior to a long-term commitment.
You may believe in the same deity but have different upbringings, for example, different religious practices, different opinions on how to raise children or different views on divorce. What religious social networks do both of you have and are they compatible? You’ll be surprised how much these aspects will affect small and big decisions in your relationship.
Number 6: When you’re way too different.
Opposites attract and that’s a good thing. Most thriving couples are opposite personalities like introverts paired up with extroverts. They make the perfect match. It’s only a problem when you can’t communicate or agree on anything to the extent that you can’t find anything that’s fun for the both of you to do together.
There must be one or two things that meet up the two of you. If you can’t find that, then you’re likely in an incompatible relationship.
Number 5: Lack of common financial ground.
According to research, money fights are the second leading cause of divorce, behind infidelity. You need to understand each other’s behaviors, beliefs, and attitudes towards money like who’s the spender and who’s the saver. Then both of you need to have a comfortable compromise on your values and views on the topic so that you can be on the same page.
If your partner would avoid communication on finances altogether, it can’t get more uncomfortable than that. Sometimes the basis of disagreement is an innate belief in your partner that they don’t need to share all their assets or expenditure with you. If it’s not comfortable for you, there will be a rift in the relationship. Getting a common ground between learning to have fun and saving for your future can go a long way.
Number 4: When you have different perspectives and future plans.
You might find that you are a cat lover, but your significant other is either allergic to cats or just can’t stand them. The future also comes into play in the same way, you might be fantasizing about a big family with lots of children and animals in the countryside but your partner might not want kids and loves the fast life the city offers.
Unless one is willing to compromise on their ideal future, the relationship might not survive the diversity. Even worse is if you compromised and then ended up resenting your partner for the unfulfilled dreams.
Number 3: When you have different levels of intimacy.
A happy relationship usually tends to a happy sex life and the opposite is also true. When there’s a mismatch in your levels of intimacy, there will obviously be tension in the relationship. Passionless relationships are the leading cause of cheating and breakups. It mainly occurs when you crave the attention and physical needs of your partner who is either not as interested or feels overwhelmed.
Intimacy issues might not really seem like a big deal when you’re starting out, but with time they become an enduring problem that needs to be attended to. Having open and honest conversations with your partner about your sexual expectations will make you feel heard and respected and could resolve the issue.
Number 2: When your love languages have no intersection.
Love language indicates the way you give and receive love. It ranges from nonverbal cues to deep-level connections and goes a long way when it comes to connecting and romance. It’s easy to ignore quality time if your definition of love is giving and receiving gifts. If growing up, your partner never experienced physical touch or words of affirmation, they’ll take time to understand why you need them.
You can see then that your partner needs to understand how you perceive love and try to love you that way even if it doesn’t make sense to them. Otherwise, you’ll end up feeling lost or misunderstood. Without this compromise, you might even feel unloved because as much as your partner loves you, they’re doing it according to their own definition of love.
Number 1: When you’re in a codependent relationship.
This is an extremely imbalanced relationship where you’ll notice that you’re always trying to fix your partner’s problems and meet their needs. You might feel like you’re sacrificing a lot and you have no room to express your own emotions as your focus is solely fulfilling your partner’s needs.
On the flip side, you might be deriving your sense of worth from the sacrifices you make for your partner. In this case, you find that you have almost planned your whole life around pleasing your partner. A healthy relationship is where you’re comfortable expressing yourself and your needs.
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