Children need to be loved, heard, understood, and supported. Daughters of narcissistic mothers will often feel like they have no real emotional connection to their mothers, they may have never heard “I love you, I’m proud of you, or don’t worry I’ll take care of it” They may have never gotten a kiss on the forehead out of the blue, a hug, or reassurance.
This not only makes it difficult for their daughters in this relationship, but it also makes it difficult for them when they start to move on and create new relationships on their own. Daughters of narcissistic mothers often have dependency issues. Narcissists often try to make their children feel responsible for their emotional, financial, and physical needs. As a consequence, they may try to persuade their daughters to make impossible concessions to fulfill their needs.
They will lean on their daughter for their emotional needs. This can mean taking their anger out on them when they are upset or relying on them for their emotional support in dealing with other failed relationships or situations in their life. Which over time, can drain their energy and make them feel bad because they don’t know how to help them, they clearly see that in most situations their mother is the problem. But how do you tell your mother that?
When they try to give them some advice to solve their problems or point out where they may have been at fault in a situation, it makes matters worse because they really just want you there to listen to their problems and agree with them, they don’t want your opinion unless it mirrors theirs. In these cases, it makes their daughters feel like they have taken on the role of the parent.
Daughters should be able to go to their mothers for advice on how they should maneuver through this world, but in this relationship, it will feel like the roles are reversed. This goes on throughout their life, long after the daughter has left the house and maybe even started a family of their own. Once they’re gone, they may lean on their daughters financially and make them feel guilty if they aren’t able to provide them with their monetary needs.
They may try to manipulate them by saying things like “All that money I spent on you when you were a child you owe me for the rest of your life, the least you can do is help me out.” If you tell them you found a new job out of town, they may guilt you into turning down the job because they need you to stay close to home by them. They may say things like “what would I do without you I need you here.” A normal parent may also be sad that their daughter is moving away, but would also be happy that they’re finding their way in life.
The narcissistic mother’s immediate thoughts will not be to look at the benefits their daughter may be received by getting a better job; instead, their focus will be on how their new job may negatively impact them and their situation.
Realistically, you need to understand that your narcissistic mother will never be happy with any decision you make unless it mirrors her own, in her world, you would simply do whatever she wanted and live your life according to her wishes. This is an ideal.
If you do exactly what she wants, you’ll be unhappy for sure. You’ll get tired of being her puppet and resent her for your lack of any meaningful relationships or worse still turn into a dependency narcissist yourself. It’s likely that during your childhood she spent most of her time parenting herself- even if she was there physically, she probably wasn’t there emotionally.
She didn’t choose her behavior, but she can choose to stop it. So don’t let her abuse you for her own issues. If possible, distance yourself from your narcissistic mother and limit contact as much as you can. Don’t be sucked in by guilt trips or attempts at manipulation- remain firm.
As she has no true empathy for you, she likely won’t be able to understand why you’re not willing to do what she asks- so don’t bother trying to explain, just stick with your guns and watch her try every trick in the book to lure or force you back in line.
Read More: How to Deal With a Narcissistic Mother (Stop Her!)
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