7 Tricks the Narcissist Uses to Make You Look Like The Problem!

If you have been in any kind of relationship with a narcissist, you may have noticed that they have an unusual way of turning things around and making you look like the problem. This leaves you over-explaining, constantly on edge, and maybe even a little paranoid.

Here are 7 tricks the narcissist uses to make you look like the problem:

Number 1: Triangulating you against others.

One trick the narcissist uses to make you look like the problem is triangulation; it’s done when they pit two people against each other. There will usually be limited to no contact between you and the third person, except for the communications that come from the narcissist.

The first goal is to turn the two parties against each other by spreading lies, telling secrets, and causing confusion. Once the fire is lit it will burn on its own, the parties will start creating tension and finding their reasons to keep the feud going.

The narcissist usually benefits from this feud in some way. Now that the plan is in action, the narcissist can act independently as a friend to each party- It’s quite sick. When the narcissist gets mad at either party they can now run back to the other party and make them look like the problem.

Basically, if they can get you to believe that someone doesn’t like you for whatever reason, this will naturally keep you from communicating with the other party. If they can get the other party to believe things about you that aren’t true then they can get them to believe that you are the problem.

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Number 2: Secretly causing chaos in the background to make you react.

Another trick the narcissist uses to make you look like the problem is secretly causing chaos in the background to make you react. For example, I used to work with my narcissistic ex; he would quietly send me instant messages accusing me of flirting with other men in the office.

Accusing me of getting out of my seat to impress other men, dissecting all my conversations looking for something to get mad about, and constantly sending me messages about any number of things that bothered him. It was a nightmare.

Anyways after going back and forth with him on messenger for a while, I would eventually get up and address him personally for these outlandish accusations. Of course, he was cool, calm, and collected because he was in his element of causing chaos and drama. Narcissists can function normally in this environment.

Meanwhile, I was extremely hot for being accused of everything under the sun. When I would finally get up and confront him, I looked like the problem. If they can get you to react to a fire, they quietly set they can make you look like the problem. If they can get others to see you react to a fire they quietly sit, they can not only make you look like the problem, but others will pity the narcissist for having to put up with you.

Number 3: Gaslighting.

Another trick the narcissist uses to make you look like the problem is gaslighting. It’s a tactic used to try to distort your reality; it’s designed to make you believe that you don’t remember things exactly as they happen, which causes you to question what you experienced.

In addition, to making you question your reality; the narcissist will use this tactic to undermine your perception of reality to escape accountability for your abuse. This allows them to get away with mistreating you while making you feel like you were doing something wrong, making you feel like you were the abuser when it was them all along.

Gaslighting is used in many ways in narcissistic relationships; they will use this tactic to make you look like the problem instead of their behavior in the relationship. They’ll make you feel as if it was your responsibility to fix a relationship. You’ll feel like “If only I was better at this everything would be better.” Or “If only I had done it the way they wanted me to, everything would be better.”

Constantly pointing to your imperfections and flaws, likely caused you to bend over backward to try and hit their constantly moving goal line of how they wanted you to act or be in the relationship. As you tried to fix your manufactured flaws, they kept coming up with new ways how you fell short of meeting their unrealistic expectations.

Meanwhile, they will continue to mistreat you as they see fit while having you believe there’s something you’re doing or have done wrong in a relationship making you think that you are the problem. Basically, if they can get you and others to think that you’re the problem; they escape accountability for their bad behavior.

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Number 4: Flame shifting.

It’s yet another tactic the narcissist uses to make you look like the problem. Not only is nothing ever their fault, but they will shift the responsibility for their actions and blame you. Narcissists attempt to avoid all responsibility for any problems that arise in their lives.

Since their inner guiding voice is so critical and harsh, they blamed someone else to avoid self-hatred. Accepting responsibility would cause them unbearable shame; they need to hold on to the belief that they are perfect. That being said it’s easier for them to believe that their emotions are the result of external factors.

In a nutshell, they believe you’re responsible for their feelings- particularly the bad ones. They conclude that since you didn’t follow their plan or made them feel vulnerable, you are to blame, you are the problem.

If they can get you to believe that you’re to blame, they can put any responsibility for the relationship on you making you look like the problem. If they can get others to see that you are also to blame, then others will know that you are the problem too.

Number 5: The smear campaign.

Another trick the narcissist uses is to make you look like the problem. For them, smearing your name can be a way of getting back at you, it can also be done when they’re jealous of you. By hurting your reputation and emotional state, they try to damage the image others have of you. What’s interesting is that they will run this smear campaign during good times and in bad times.

This could be a co-worker, a friend, a relationship, or a parent. They’ll be more apparent and outspoken when they smear your name to people who don’t care for you or don’t know you that well. But they won’t stop there, they’ll also smear your name to people who have a high opinion of you; they’ll do this by constantly planting little seeds of doubt, so they don’t look like they’re intentionally trying to undermine you.

But they’ll plant enough seeds so that if anything goes wrong you look like the problem. If they can get you to believe that they have your best interest at heart while smearing your name, you’ll never suspect anything is wrong. If they can get others to believe what they say about you is true. Well, then, of course, you look like the problem.

Number 6: Telling one-sided stories.

Another trick we’ll discuss that narcissist uses to make you look like the problem is telling one-sided stories; they do this not only to make you look like the problem but also to garner pity. When most people tell stories, they’ll tell them in a way that presents both sides so that the listener can get an accurate reflection of what truly happened.

This is not the case with the narcissist. Instead, they’ll tell a one-sided version of what happened between you and those, so they look like the hero or the victim and make you look like the problem. They’ll make sure to leave out any negative role; they may have played to cause any issues.

This goes back to them not wanting to take any accountability for their actions and shifting the blame to someone, or something else to relieve them of the shame and guilt they would have felt had they taken responsibility.

Because to accept blame is to admit they’re flawed. If they can tell the story in a way that makes you look like the victim, they can make you look like the problem. If they can get others to believe that you’ve wronged them in some way, they can garner pity while again making you look like the problem.

Number 7: Setting you up to fail.

The last trick that we’ll discuss that the narcissist may use to make you look like the problem is maliciously setting you up to fail. They can do this a couple of ways; also they can come across as if they’re lending help in hand meanwhile sabotaging your efforts behind your back so that when it’s all said and done you look like the problem or the reason that the goal was not met.

They can meticulously put you in situations in which you have no chance of winning and when you don’t win (like they knew you wouldn’t or couldn’t), they’ll blame you for failing. They could even set you up in simple ways such as hiding your keys and coming through with the spare set to save the day.

Making you look absent-minded and careless and making yourself look like the responsible one in the relationship. Or another example is they can tell you the wrong time to be at a time-sensitive event, so you look irresponsible and inconsiderate when you show up late. If they can make you look careless and absent-minded in the relationship, it can eat your confidence and self-esteem making you feel like the problem.

If they can get others to see how you feel about meeting obligations (not knowing behind your back you’re being sabotaged by the narcissist). This can make you look like the problem. If you’re dealing with a narcissist they’ve likely used some combinations of these tricks on you without you even realizing it to make you look like the problem.

Now that you understand what has happened, you must continue to move forward and educate yourself about narcissism. This will not only help you heal, but it will help you see the warning signs in other relationships.